I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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