I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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