Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I need to stop coming to work sober
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
