I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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