I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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