You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
