I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
