According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
