at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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