dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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