I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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