just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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