Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
