Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
