he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
