Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
