I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
