This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
