I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
