is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
