Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Will exercising make me less horny?
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