I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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