and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
this hospital has no fireball
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
