have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
