Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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