real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My feet surprised me
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