remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
