i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
