It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
