Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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