don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
