Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
