my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
