Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
