Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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