you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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