I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
