I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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