my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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