I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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