He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
