I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
