Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
