turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
COCAINE IS GR8
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
