Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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