I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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