official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
