I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
