Taylor Swift is so right about you.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
