On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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