tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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