Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
