i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
