Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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